Keep(H)er : Internal Dialogue Over The Small Stuff

 Have you found that the people that you love the most are the ones that hurt you the deepest without any effort at all? Even without the intention to do so? One cross look or sharp word, change in tone, or misinterpretation can absolutely break your heart. Anyone else could approach you in exactly the same manner and it doesn’t even cause a stir. You don’t give it a second thought. Your sensitivity level is heightened by that one individual and it sucks to realize that someone has that much of a hold over you. Why care so much?

My mother always used to tell me that whatever behaviors you exhibited to get someone you have to maintain them in order to keep them. So if you were getting up late at night and creeping out to see them don’t expect that it will change when you enter a relationship. If you were catering to every whim you will have to continue to do so. When you stop doing the things that you did in the beginning that is where the problems begin to manifest. If the other person stops doing the things that they did to capture your attention in the first place you’ve got to ask why. What changed? What is causing the shift? Good or bad there is a catalyst.

A lot has changed for the better. It has evolved. It’s beautiful. However a lot has shifted and it’s troublesome and questionable and it’s painful. A lot of the shift occurred early on and I didn’t want to acknowledge it or didn’t think that it would be that big of a deal. It’s the little things that add up though. They turn into bigger things that become all too much. 

How badly do you want to keep(H)er? The push and the pull. The bumps and the bruises. The jabs. The punches. The crushed egos and the shattered facades. Through all of the turmoil how badly do you want to keep(H)er? The sleepless nights. Bunking on the couch. Silent car rides. The bills, family interjections, habitual “line-stepping” and unflattering storms of tears over countless amounts of years. How badly do you want that KEEPER? To KEEP HER?

You see through all the negative talk, the easy ways out, the I can’t take another second of your lack of understanding and talking over me when I’m trying to explain to you how I feel…are happy days and laughing faces and tiny smiles and dreamy eyes. The no one else has ever made me feel this way or made me feel so at ease where I can just be me. With you I can just be me…

I don’t need the makeup or the labels or the etiquette or to hold myself just so. I can laugh. Loudly. Obnoxiously. Burp. Trip and fall and through those dysfunctional non-attractive things do you still want to keep me?

When you’re rude and insensitive and overbearing. Shut off and disconnected. ALWAYS RIGHT and blind to the opinions of anyone that doesn’t agree. Frightening.

Do I still want to keep you? Are you still a keeper? When it’s both ugly and twisted and beautiful and amazing?

I hate how much you nurture my heart yet continue to break it so easily.

keep(H)ER.

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