Safe Words

Sometimes I write in circles around myself. Losing myself in the energy surrounding that I’ve created with this pen. Transforming my ups and downs into characterizations of who I want to be whether good or bad is SHE a true representation of me…?

I feel lost sometimes. A prisoner of my own ambitions and of my own inhibitions. That craving for attention, acceptance, that is also accompanied by the need to be left to my own solitude. That only child thing.

I don’t need validation.

No, I don’t need you to say that I am enough. I just need you to show me that I am enough.

See rejection even on the small scale can cripple me and cut me deep and make me shout out internally WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

You don’t see that though. You see the walls that I’ve built and the confidence that exudes to such a degree that even when I feel unsturdy on these knees that you feel I’ve got this.

Yeah, I’m a bad bitch. Is that what they say? I can’t say that I’d say because that’s just not me. Just because I can make mountains move and make air bend and supply the oceans of water through my relentless tears it does not mean that you stand by and watch me fall. Why do you watch me struggle? Why do you leave me to bear it all?

So I keep drawing circles around myself with cunning words in hopes they will block the hurt but…how do I block the thing that hurts me most when I’ve already trapped it so deep down within myself…within my heart…?

Sometimes we feel so heartbroken for so long that when it’s different we just can’t tell the difference.

Am I wrong?

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