A Year From Now

It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal blog post despite the fact that RaeOvSun started off as a way for me to capture moments of my life and vent when I felt the need to. A lot has been going on as of late and I feel the need to channel it all in order to sort out my thoughts and get my house in order. I am on the precipice of new beginnings as things that I love more than anything else in this world appear to be ending. I still don’t know whether I am coming or going but I do know that I am in a constant state of motion. Something feels like it is in the atmosphere as so many of my closest friends are also in a transitional state. I can’t help but to think the universe is calling on us to awaken and truly understand that there are lessons left to learn.

My relationship is ending. Something so passionate and so defining for me is no more. It does not feel real right now but it also feels like it is a long time coming. We just began to disconnect over time. Our friendship remained in tact but the other side of it seemed to dissipate into nothing more than memory. How do you get friends boxed in during an engagement? I don’t know but it happened on both sides of this and now we are both trying to figure out what is going to not only be the best thing for us but also for the family that we created. How do you break up with your best friend?

It didn’t begin with Red Table Talk but the door opened for conversation as a result of its viewing. I am a huge fan of Jada Pinkett-Smith, Will Smith, and the family that they have created and shared with us over the years. The honesty that they have shown via Jada’s Facebook exclusive show has been both remarkable and awe-inspiring. My other half and I were tuning into the episode in which she features Will and they discuss the dynamics of and transformation that their relationship has gone through over the years. They discussed fears – fear of saying how you really feel because it may end things – and having an image in your mind of what a family and what a marriage should look like and working so hard to build that you lose sight of what is important which are the two individuals at the core of it.

In the end he and I looked at one another and I asked him what his fears were and we talked about how disconnected we had become and days later after watching the second part to their story we decided that, much like they had, we needed separation. It was not and is not that we do not love one another anymore. We need to recalibrate. We need to rediscover who we each are individually, get back into the right head space, so that we can be better – be who we both need.

The journey may not result in us coming back together in an intimate relationship. That’s the way of the world but honesty is always a requirement. We have to tell each other the truth in our personal relationships, we have to be willing to be honest, because if we don’t we end up harboring resentment and pain that will ultimately divide us in the end.

All of this has made me begin doing a lot of self-reflection. When you hear that neither of us are the same people that we once were your immediate response is that I haven’t changed or the opposite side of the coin that of course I‘m not. You have to grow. The thing is that for our situation we were two very different people at different stages of our lives. We both tried to conform to one another’s needs and to fit into that picture and though it seemed doable and effortless it was because neither of us spoke up when we were in disagreement. We just grinned and bore it and buried it down deep instead of addressing the differences. We were hell-bent on not being what we’d seen fail around us only to end up failing one another and ourselves.

I’m sharing this with you not just to vent but also for you to take a moment of pause. We get so caught up with the image and going through the motions to achieve our idea of what success and happiness looks like. We have to make sure we stop, pay attention, and talk to one another. It goes deeper than how was your day at work? How do you feel today? Do we need to take time out for us this week? Do you need to take time out for you?

I’m left wondering how everything will be a year from now but ultimately I need to make the changes in self for tomorrow today.

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