RaeOvSun

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Yes, the title is burn and crash despite the saying being crash and burn. I know what I did and I don’t have to explain myself but my demise at the end of 2018 was in that order. Who threw an 80’s themed NYE2019 party was me. Who was pregaming with her best friend before the other party goers slowly made their way in? THIS ONE. Who mixed things that shouldn’t be mixed without a care in the world and got beyond wasted? That’d be *mumbles* The thing is I can laugh at myself when I make poor decisions and don’t die behind it but I truly and honestly thought, as I sat stuck on my bathroom floor with my head in my toilet and door locked where no one could help me, that I was about to die.

I am too old for this sh*t. Honestly and truly. I can’t say that it’s a habit, I don’t play these games regularly but this is what happens when you’re used to being in control of things, you lose that control, and you lose your sh*t. I’ve been losing my sh*t for a while now. I am frustrated at work, my family is falling apart, I’m watching the love of my life drag his ass on exiting my household which is f*cking excruciating, oh, and at the time was in a forever state of limbo waiting to find out if I was getting a new position at work. I’m impatient. I don’t like to wait. I’m an instant gratification kind of a woman. 2018 had me TIGHT!

The last few years in general have been a series of rollercoaster highs and lows for me. I’ve had beautiful things happen coupled with absolutely horrific. October 2014 I took a great new position, moved to Albuquerque, NM and in 2015 met my now-ex fiance. 2015, some horrible things happened, I went home to Dallas for the holidays with my mumsie, her husband, and kiddos. We, plus my uncle, were then hit by an F4 tornado. Scouts. About a week later I accepted the same position but at a brand new center and relocated back to Texas about a month later. 2016 – then-fiance came with myself and the kiddos. I open the new facility with the new team, things are magical, find out then-fiance and I were successful in creating a new planned life, rock the hell out of the year and in November welcome my third and his first baby into the world. Things are looking AMAZING!

Enter 2017 and we get a new boss (aliasly known as Uncle Greg now that he is no longer my boss man) and I go on a whirlwind of travelling for the company and assisting other locations. Travel, travel, travel. That’s all I did while sharing all my accomplishment with my grandmother, Carolyn, whom is THE biggest influence in my life…and then I find out she’s sick. Real life sick. My mom has to go and take care of her because she’s been diagnosed with cancer. BAD cancer. I roadtrip with her and the kids to Wisconsin and completely break down seeing her in the state that she is in and listening to the doctor say that none of the efforts made have helped. She’s going to die. I go home, my kids stay in Wisconsin with my mom and grandmother, and I keep moving. I keep working because I don’t know what else to do and while I’m traveling, traveling, traveling I speak to her on the phone and then one night in a hotel I write this poem for her because…just because…and then my mother calls…

In 2017 I lost the most influential person in my life. My mother lost HER mother. This was followed by the brutal murder of my cousin BAKARI HENDERSON oversees by a group of ADULT MEN whom chased him down outside of a bar in Italy. WHY IS THIS NOT THE TOP THING RUNNING IN THE NEWS?

2018 I’m traveling, traveling, traveling because I don’t know when to stop…because when I stop it hurts…when I stop I feel EVERY THING that has happened back to back EVERY YEAR good and bad and I am not strong enough to handle it. I work in El Paso for a month and drive home to accompany my then-fiance and our kids on a road trip to New Mexico to celebrate his mom’s wedding. I’m tired but I’m happy because I love his family and I can’t wait to meet the extension of them…and the whole time I feel him pushing me away. Why am I here? When is the date? I just want to know if I need to come to Texas or if you’re having it here in New Mexico? Don’t be upset…WHY is he upset? Why am I here if he’s upset by the simple question of when is our wedding date?

I knew then that we were over. I knew before then but man, oh, man I really knew then and I was stuck, out of state, with nowhere to run. So I cried in his car. I called my best friend and I just cried and cried until I HAD to get myself together and return to the wedding reception and take family photos. We’re so glad you’re here…

Time goes on, still in 2018, and I’m at a conference out of state. My mother calls. My great uncle Kalvin, one of the best men I have EVER known has unexpectedly passed away. HIS family, the set known affectionately as “The Unit” is devastated…and I’m away. I’m always away…

And on New Year’s Eve, with the backing out of party attendees, the overspending on party decor, I am at my limit…I take shot after shot, drink whatever comes my way, laugh harder than I ever have, and I burn…burn…burn…and crash…

January 1st 2019 I experienced the worst hangover I have ever had in my life. I did NOT make it to the countdown on the 31st though I could hear it from my bathroom. As I emptied my insides I felt myself letting go of everything that I had been holding inside as if I were going through an exorcism and expelling all of my demons into that porcelain bowl . I felt so much lift off of me and even as I laid in bed for hours that next day I knew that things would be different. I felt different.

I needed to burn. I needed to crash.

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