Regret, which is fueled by sadness, is powerful. We are told to not live with it yet it becomes something that is ever present in some shape or form. I regret us. I never thought that I would but as this comes to it’s finale I can’t help but to feel that way. The overwhelming sadness that accompanies the feeling of loss is so hard to put into words. I feel like I’ve lost something. It’s easy to say that obviously in the ending of our relationship that I lost you but honestly I feel it’s deeper than that and it is bigger than the other person, the other half of what was.
The mourning is over the loss of what began, what took root, what grew, and because it was not taken care of, watered, and pruned, ultimately shriveled up into itself, weak, broken, and crumbled away into nothing. I am saddened that this tree bore fruit that now will be forever tainted by the incapability of two very selfish individuals to nurture it. Note that I said two and not one.
I am adult enough to stand in the mess that I have assisted in making. I know my faults, my shortcomings, and the choices that I have made that were not of benefit to the whole. I am also adult enough to say that I broke my back and carried more weight than I should of, that I was miserable because of it, and defeated because while I carried it all the person that I loved no longer looked at me the same. You can tell when you are no longer valued or treasured. You can tell when “I love you” has just become routine and there is no passion behind it. It’s foolish if YOU didn’t think that I both saw and felt it and it is foolish of me to believe that you didn’t feel how much I was beginning to despise you for making me do what I was doing.
I cry sometimes. I do. I get really f*cking sad over this situation and at first it was because I felt as if, for another time, that I had failed. Then it morphed into this incredible sadness because I had become part of an extended family, had a new sister and brother, nieces and nephews, cousins, a soon-to-be mother-in-law that I absolutely adored that I would now be losing. When individuals break up so do families even if we tell ourselves we will stick around and stay in communication. There is no reason to. No reason other than to tend to the fruit and even then you become just a nuisance or unnecessary means to an end.
So I find myself cycling through emotions and standpoints because, like most people, my head and my heart rarely sync up. I honestly love this man and I would love for us to be able to hit the reset button and do this all over again but remember that paragraph above where I said I was miserable? Remember the part where I had to carry it all? That part doesn’t go away because we both know that even if he put down his bags and decided to stay that not much of anything would change.
I do not want someone to be with me because it is convenient. I don’t want someone to be with me because they feel indebted to me based off of the things that I have done sincerely with my heart because I loved them and wanted nothing more but for them to be happy and to be free. I BOUGHT his freedom, can you believe that? Bought him freedom from a situation that I did not cause and now the only thing he wants is freedom from me.
I aim to please.
I am strong and I am forgiving. I walk in silent ambition and I am career-oriented. I work for my family even if it may appear that I am not plugged in. If I didn’t work they wouldn’t eat, they wouldn’t have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, allowances that other people do not have…but I am faulted for it. I pay for it. I am always paying for something no matter how hard I try to do the right thing.
I am exhausted of having to foot the bill…