Life in the middle is such a strange place to exist in. You hear people speak on being in-between jobs, in-between relationships, in-between houses, so on and so forth. I feel in-between two different phases of my life…
I’m transitioning from that nice cushy position that was carved out as my “family unit” to something that looks similar but feels completely different. It’s strange to me that as so much has changed there is still an expectation that some parts stay the same. I’m not the “skip you and the horse you road in on” kind of woman. I root for fathers to stay a part of their children’s lives as long as it is genuine. However, when it comes to things that have been shared in a relationship and financial aspects, I don’t feel that any expectation should exist. If you instantly stop handling things financially like necessities for your kiddos or I have to remind you to come see them or merely pick up the phone and call then don’t expect to benefit from them. You can come see them, take them out, but don’t hold your hand out to collect when I am now 100% responsible for them in every way.
The next transitional piece, of course, is life as a single woman in her early 30’s. Part of me is like, hey-oh, let’s go! The other part is just not here for it. We all crave love and affection but honestly right now I’m just not into it. I want to go out with my friends, dance, have drinks, paint the town red, and NOT have to worry about who’s feelings may get hurt in the meantime. I definitely do not need my own hurt any further than they have already been. I thought that I wanted to see where an old flame would go when he reached out to me but my great-grandfather’s words came whispering in quicker than I’d expected. If you break up with someone and take them back they will remind you why you left them in the first place. That relationship was just not what I wanted or needed back then and I don’t want or need it now. A missed opportunity/bad timing relationship reappeared briefly a moment after that and it began to play out the way that it had during its first appearance as well. We connected but not enough to not allow another opportunity to pass by.
One of my best friends asked me last night how I felt emotionally. I told her, honestly, I don’t miss him in any sort of romantic capacity. I miss our family. I know that people say a lot of things out of hurt and anger and will hold on to them and the position that they took because of pride. I can’t say that I wouldn’t give it another try but I also cannot say that I would. How we treat people before, during, and after a breakup should all be taken into account. The whole thing still clearly dominates my life because it, we, and he were such a big part of it, but it’s no longer these thoughts or emotions at every waking moment. They only come ’round once in a while now. Just as often as he does. It’s fleeting.
I want to take a moment to add in here a blurb about friendships and accountability. Taking ownership for your own actions. Not blaming others for the things that you’ve done wrong or have fallen short on. We all have our faults. We all make mistakes. We should all be able to be self-aware enough to know and understand that there is always a cause and effect. There is always a consequence good or bad. I am sorrowful that one of my “relationships” is so weak that I can so easily be dismissed or painted as a villain over an issue of personal accountability. This quote has been ringing so true for me lately and I say it so often now that it is becoming ingrained in me, “I apologize for making some of you comfortable enough to feel you can play with me,” because it’s not. Going forward, I’ll ensure that everyone is completely aware of that fact.