We all fall short sometimes. It’s human nature. Some of us strive to be perfect despite being absolutely clear that perfection is not attainable. Think about your SMART goals. Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based. Perfection doesn’t fit into the infrastructure. With that being said it is a wonder why we expect people to be perfect in their relationships or even within themselves.
Depression looks different on different people in the same way that a size five fits differently on every body type. You can’t fit any one thing or person into one box. Who they are and what they battle with and how their demons manifest is all relative to who they are as a person. The things that can trigger them and send them into a tailspin can be something we think is absolutely laughable because we just can’t relate as on the flip side they can be the calm when we think or feel like we are justifiably sinking under.
I’ve sustained a lot of trauma. We all have. If you know me, my past, and what I’ve endured you’d either shrug it off or you would empathize. Your reaction to it, just like my reaction to other people’s “dramas” is based on your own perspective and your own encounters. A lot of times we just don’t strive to take the extra steps to understand another human being. I get that. I’ve been and am sure I will continue to be in some aspects one and the same with that. We pick and choose who we want to care about or invest our interests in.
Small things impact me deeply. Big things…Traumatic things…I compartmentalize. Someone looking at me crazy, spreading an easily dispelled rumor, or overlooking me will drive me absolutely nuts. A huge catastrophe? I will break it into parts and box it up so I don’t have to deal with it. I’ll work around it and push it aside so I can handle my dailies without breaking completely down. I can get over opening the door for him to leave because it wasn’t working anymore and I’ve always wanted nothing more than for him to be happy but I cannot get pass this b*tch I thought was my friend not letting me know that the party’s over here. It sounds off but in reality, to me, it makes sense.
I can’t deal with the small stuff because I am so busy holding the lock on the box that holds the big stuff. It’s like being at the watering hole and keeping your eye on what you’re convinced is a gator inching closer and closer to you but that fly is trying to break your concentration when you need so desperately to get hydrated and not wake up on the other side all at the same time. I can’t handle small stuff because I can’t fit more things into the box and every time I try something else slips out and I am even more irate that I slipped up and let it escape over something so trivial.
Does anyone else find themselves doing the same thing? Failed marriages, relationships, careers, deaths in the family, missed opportunities. Those things are so difficult to deal with and we just do all we can to not face them. We put on these masks that we are okay and that we’re getting through it without a hitch but then there are those pesky flies. Fruit Flies.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody a few weeks ago and that was one of the things that stuck. You know that you are rotting when you become surrounded by fruit flies. Users, abusers, and spectators seem to want to flock to you when things are going good but most definitely will drain you while you are on the decline. They’ll try to get what they can from you before you burn out and shrivel away into nothing.
There it is. It’s true. I am angry and I am bitter. I had a solid f*cking life plan laid out for me. I did so many things by the book and no matter what it seemed like I just kept getting f*cked! The moment that I would get frustrated and veer off of the path though? Friggen glorious…until it wasn’t anymore. I’ve done my dirt, we all have, but damn it I did my best in whatever moment that I was in. I have a real nasty habit of looking back when I know full well that there is nothing there for me and will just pick the scab from an old wound until it bleeds again.
I analyze and then re-analyze things to the point of destruction. I question every move that I’ve made and every move that the other person made as well. Did I cause this? Was I so blind that I didn’t see what was really going on? I’m all for shared responsibility but, damn it, sometimes it was not my fault. I am so angry for how things ended when I tried so hard to do everything right. I tried so f*cking hard. I am so bitter that despite being a standup f*cking person throughout it all that I’ve been abandoned behind it. Let me amend that statement…that WE have been abandoned behind it.
I work hard for the people that I love. I work hard for my children and like most mothers I will turn into a raging BEAST over them. So when you love them for show and then leave them when the coast is clear I lose complete respect for you. They didn’t ask for that. They don’t deserve it and I want no parts of anyone that would abandon them behind someone else’s unfounded emotions. Everyone has gotten hurt here but only one of us is here picking up the pieces behind it. Let’s make that abundantly clear.
This is far from over but this morning someone gave me an invitation to being crazy and I’ve decided that it was time to open it.
I hate when people smile in your face and then turn around and stab you in the back. False friends, fake people, users drive me absolutely bonkers. I’d rather you hi and bye me to be cordial but not ask me a damn thing about my life like we’re friends or that you have genuine interests. I’d rather you ask me to give you some money than to act like it’s a loan you’ll pay back or that there is something that I owe you outside of a prayer. I find myself repeating the same things my grandmother used to say. I am so tired of people assuming that I have money and trying to slide into my life for a handout. I am not the bank. What I do have I have worked hard for and if I want to splurge on MYSELF or MY CHILDREN I have every right to do that without being judge for it or it being assumed that I should have you too.
This rant is justified but it is definitely LATE. The people that need to read it will not. If they do, thanks for watching, you can stop following me in whatever capacity that you still do. Even if it was by accident. Accidentally miss me with it and keep the same energy that you had when you decided that I or my kids were not worth your time. EXIT. There’s a whole slew of you that is meant for and not an individual. Be very aware of that.
I am tired of trying to be something more than what I am as if what I am is not enough. I am more than enough. I am tired of people meeting me and presuming that I am stuck up – Lord knows that I am not – but if it’s better to BE that person than to be this one that gets walked all over, used, and disrespected, then maybe that is a mask that I need to learn to wear. You shouldn’t change yourself for other people, I am fully aware, but you also shouldn’t be anyone’s doormat because of your heart. You have to PROTECT your heart.
I started this post off mentioning SMART goals so here is my first set. I am going to be very SPECIFIC in who I allow to be a part of my and my children’s lives both romantically and platonically. Worthiness will be MEASURED by the level of genuineness they exhibit. This will be ATTAINED by keeping up close guard of all of our hearts and weeding out anyone that can hurt us in any capacity. It is REALISTIC because I am not afraid of burning bridges. I am already filling the moat with water. It will be TIMELY — because it was overdue and I now completely understand the repercussions of letting things go on pass their expiration date.
My heart, my time, and my emotions are valuable and I refuse to continue to let other people diminish my spirit. I’ve been allowing it for much longer than I care to admit but it wasn’t in the past few months alone. This has been an ongoing trend in my life for almost as far back as I can remember. I’ll let you have it even if I want it more because your feelings, your emotional wellbeing, means more to me than my own. I will let you jump in front of me to keep the spotlight on you and whoever else you feel is more worthy than I am and suffer in silence to not make a scene. THAT kind of thinking has to end because where has that ever gotten me but pushed into the backseat of my own car?
I’m not here for it anymore. I don’t want any more truckloads of riders and co-signers on my #squad. I don’t want any more unevenly yolked relationships that I or he has to suffer through anymore. I don’t want any more moments of staring at myself in the mirror with tears in my eyes wondering why I am not enough for him, or her, or anyone else. I don’t want any more lies.
If I hurt you, I apologize, but I am not sorry for speaking my truth – and trust me, this is only the tip of the ice berg. I’ve got lots more to say and lots more atonement just as I’m sure you do too. I am working on ME but I am definitely no longer diminishing my own light for others to glow. I am prioritizing and for the first time I am putting myself in the number one slot. The truth of the matter is, in order to let go of all the ugliness that you are holding inside of you, you have to let it out.