06 Jun Open Ended…
I wish that I could forget things. These still memories and edits to all of the things that I’d dreamed. I stand locked in missing things that may have never been and as the days go on, I know now, that will never come to be.
The uncertainty, for a while, became a comfort all its own. That fleeting hope that things may some day get better. Perhaps it will all turn around? Now it survives as only a reflex to the occasional hiccup that close proximity undoubtedly brings.
I hate it here. In this skin. In this feeling. In this place of such high potential where fruition is such an uncommon word. You can’t have it all, is what is said, and though my idealistic side forever pushes to cast it aside my logical, my fact checking manager of quality control, can only reason that it’s true.
I wanted to be your everything but instead you became my every thing. Every thing that was right. Every thing that was wrong. Every thing that I had wanted. Everything that ensnared and shredded my soul.
It isn’t all about you anymore. No, I have other torments that keep me from genuine happiness. The connect and disconnect from so many people. The sense of never belonging. Of only being called upon to serve a purpose, to serve a person, before I undoubtedly am forgotten about one phone call and one text message at a time.
I feel used up. I feel hollow. I feel unassociated to the persona of positivity that those that encounter me say that I project. It, as of late, has just become part of the job. I step into my work clothes and step into who they want me to be. I wake in the morning and become who you said that I am.
How can one person be so sad…?
That’s open ended.
My best friend warned me that there would be days similar to today where despite my best efforts to forgive and forget my mind would wander. I would see glimpses of the things that hurt me the most. I would fall out of the happier times and drift to a place where you made me feel like I wasn’t enough and that another human was what you needed. I still feel that. Maybe I will for the rest of my days. I see myself traveling hundreds of miles for you, at your beck and call, just for you to have me hand you over to another.
As much as I love you I equally hate you.
As much as I want genuine friendships I equally want to be left alone.
People hurt me. Relationships hurt me. Friendships hurt me.
Maybe I hurt me…?
And again…it’s open ended…