11 Jul Whatever We Are, We Are.
I had a conversation with a close friend about recognizing when you’ve won. We fight so many battles and get stuck in this mentality that we are always at a loss. We can’t get pass the mindset that we were locked into during the struggle to see that we have entered our winning season.
I was so locked into what had gone wrong in my relationship that I couldn’t see the effort on behalf of my partner that was still being made.
When you get cheated on and it doesn’t come to light until after you’ve broken up it really does something to you psychologically. You keep going over the things that occurred in the past like, oh, this is why he acted like this and that’s why I felt so alone…because I was. I just didn’t know it yet. You finally find justification for all of the things that you felt and pushed aside but the answers don’t bring about peace. It’s just another level of hurt and I was so hurt that I couldn’t see that well after the fact I’d won…if you could call it a win at all.
I’m still hurting but I got what I asked for. I prayed for my family to be repaired and to be put back together. I got that. When I was promoted into my new position that required relocation out of state he relocated with the kids and I. He said if it didn’t work out he would get his own place and stay close for our kids. That’s a win. For my family. We are all together.
The reason that I couldn’t see the win in it was because selfishly I still wanted US to be together.
He was the love of my life but there was so much trauma sustained throughout our last years together. Ups and downs, truth seeking, betrayal and the defeat of him loving someone other than me. It was not just cheating but catching feelings. He fell in love, said “I love you” to another human being when I myself COULD NEVER… It took it’s toll on my spirit. He laid beside me every night and made me feel like we were still connected when we were not. How can I believe we are okay when we weren’t okay before?
If you’re going to forgive someone, forgive them.
Our relationship has changed. I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t over night but it was so subtle that I didn’t see it as it was coming on. It isn’t romantic but something about it is truly organic and genuine. We can talk about things that we couldn’t talk about before. We can have differences in opinion now that in the past would have lead to an all out argument and my exit out of the door.
I prayed to have my partner back. My best friend. In these past few weeks perhaps we returned to that but in a greater capacity. Sometimes things fall apart so that they can come back together in a greater form.