It’s been a long time since I’ve felt powerless. I mean genuine back seat of my own vehicle kind of powerless. So much seems to be just over the horizon for me but it also feels like it is too far away. Some items are a little far gone to be okay.
I try to stay as positive as possible but the reality of it is that I have dark days too. I get stressed out and depressed just like the next person and to ignore that is a disservice to anyone that looks to me. If I am going to use my platform to speak and elevate others I also must use it to express that every day is not easy. Some days are really fucking hard.
Today is one of those days.
Nothing out of the ordinary occurred. There was no catastrophic event that lead to this downward spiral of my mood. It was just too many little things all at once over the course of however long that has just pushed me to this incredibly irritated and depressing version of myself.
I cannot stand when people do not keep their word or hold up their end of the bargain. It is completely overwhelming to have to carry my own weight and that of others and to be able to maintain that with a coke and a smile. It is financial, it is emotional, it is the same repeated pattern over and over again. It is relationships – not just intimate – that can be too much to handle when you are made to feel like you have to handle everything.
Do NOT tell me that you are going to handle something to lessen my load and then you don’t. I am counting on you and when you just forget to tackle that task then you are screwing me. I hate to use that phrase who saves the hero because I most certainly do not feel like anyone’s damn hero but I do feel completely unappreciated and walked over and taken for granted.
Those who know me personally know that there are so many different factors and so many different people who both fill me and drain me of my soul. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I know that I have myself to blame for my situations. I am guilty too. I just pray to God that my kindness, my nurturing, would not be so abused.
I am tired and I am overwhelmed. I know that tomorrow will be better. I know that God has got me because he always sees me through.
I just need to rest and recuperate.