I am writing this not only for myself but for my friend whom unfortunately is going through a loosely similar situation. We romanticize our love stories so much in our heads that we don’t leave room for error. We take the human element of it out of it and once someone does not maintain that level of perfection that we have placed upon them in that starring role of “The One” we cast them aside like they are nothing. We forget that we’ve fallen in love with a human being and that human beings are not infallible.
Kevin Hart recently may have put this best into a comedic yet accurate depiction:
“I don’t like it when people act like you planned to fuck up!” he says. “Nobody plans to fuck up! That’s why it’s called a fuck up! You don’t walk outside like today is the perfect day for a fuck up. ‘Oh, I’m fucking up all day today. This is fuck up weather!’ That’s not how it happens! The important thing is to learn from it! You gotta learn from your fuck ups.”– Kevin Hart, Irresponsible
I was told, “You thought I was stronger than what I was. I was weak.” At first the admission drove me absolutely mad but then I fell back to a comment that a friend of mine had made a day or so before. You have to get to the root cause of things and really find out what went wrong. People don’t cheat or end a relationship for nothing. Somewhere along the lines a fracture formed in the foundation which allowed for contaminants to get in and that fracture grew into a crack and that crack into a split that ultimately brought the entire house down.
So what makes a man or a woman weak? What prevents us from divulging in the moment when we are hurt or going through things with the person that is supposed to be our life partner? FEAR.
We fear the repercussions of our statements. If I say this is this going to hurt them? If I get this out am I even sure it’s worth being said if it’s just going to start a fight? If I say this are they going to leave?
On top of fear we also tend to put unnecessary invisible pressures onto ourselves. We think we have to be a certain thing to someone when on the other end of the relationship the person is perfectly content with you just being who you are. Sometimes our relationships progress too quickly and we want to pump the brakes without ending what we already have.
Closed mouths don’t get fed. If you are not open and specific with your wants and your needs then how will they ever be fulfilled? You’ll begin to become unhappy because someone isn’t upholding their end of the bargain when they didn’t even know a bargain had been made.
Perception is a really large factor that we don’t bring into enough consideration. I was told I looked upset during a family outing and it threw me off because I recalled it and know that I was not. I had backed off to allow room for my partner and his family member to have a good time together without interference because they hadn’t seen one another for a while. I stayed back with the kids to try to allow that and clearly it was misinterpreted.
I asked why he just didn’t ask me if anything was wrong at the time and the response was that if I was upset he didn’t want to make me more upset by asking it.
Fear, perception, and failure to be specific with your goals or expectations.
Over time what you want in yourself and in your partner is bound to change. No man stands still. You have to communicate with one another on what these changes are as they are happening. Make suggestions, ask questions, stay engaged and committed. Be honest about the things that you do and you don’t like and when things aren’t clicking the way that they should.
Counseling is not a bad thing. So many people are afraid to bring a professional third party into their relationship. Trust me, it’s a lot better than a third-party coming into your relationship off the street and dividing it for good.
Recognize the difference between growing pains and something that is irrevocably broken. It’s relative. Just don’t jump the gun if it’s small things and don’t stay longer than you should if they are big. You also have to know that people do not change overnight. It took years for them to become who they are, for you to be who you are, and for those habits to set in. If you’ve agreed to make changes know that it is going to take time to make these new implementations second nature.
Be honest with yourself. You’re the only person you’ll have to live the rest of your life with. If you cannot be honest with you then you cannot be honest with anyone else. We all know what should be done in certain situations when things go wrong but we also have to factor in our own hearts and that if someone has hurt you, they’re human, and they’re going to fuck up. You’re going to fuck up.
Take enough time to communicate with one another if you’re going to be in it for the long haul or if your visit is just to the drive through.