12 Feb False Starts
I always generate these epic ideas for myself to grow and express myself as a creative, however, when it comes to consistency to bring these things into fruition I tend to fall short. Everything requires a plan that I never want to dig into the dirt to create let alone stick to. I want to be a life coach but after the first few clients and website building I stopped pushing forward. Guitar, violin, podcast, book writing – you name it, I’ve started it, and at some point didn’t bother to finish.
Am I a quitter? I didn’t even keep up with writing in this journal on a daily basis and how hard was that really? I thought about it every day but just then didn’t open my laptop or pull up the app in my phone. Even if I had just logged in to say that today was uneventful it would have been better than nothing. I worry about my level of dedication to not only things but also to other people. It’s a strange thing to feel but it’s almost like I gave so much of myself to others that I no longer have enough capacity to even give to myself.
I feel quietly overwhelmed on a daily basis. I worry about money all of the time even when I do have it. I worry that I made the wrong decision to stay in undisclosed location because we in turn had to move into a more expensive home. The cost to go back to undisclosed location probably would have wound up being about the same but I just did not want that. Not for my mental health.
I spend a lot of time worrying about everyone else and I don’t know how to disengage that. I also feel very starved for attention but I don’t know how to explain that without it sounding as strange as it is. The concept of feeling alone in a crowded room is close but no cigar. Sometimes it’s like being a sculpture in an exhibit or a piece of meat. Other times I feel so detached from it all that I just want to withdraw into myself and disappear. People tell me that I exude confidence but most of the time I am completely uncomfortable and feel out of place.
I have felt that way all of my life. I don’t fit. I don’t belong. I am only here for when someone needs me in a particular situation or to obtain my advice and then I am placed back on the shelf. I’m not the friend that you see all the time but the one you are emotionally tied to. I stop returning or initiating phone calls. I am exhausted.
I can’t afford this house but I know that God will provide. I know my mental health is not 100% but God provides avenues to get it on track. I may not be a lot of things or be at the stage in life I or others feel that I should be but through all of my bouts of anxiety and depression I know in my heart that I will be okay because of HIM.