There is a particular kind of tired that has nothing to do with sleep. It shows up when you have been the steady one for too long: the planner, the listener, the one who always knows what to say. And then one day someone asks how you are, and the honest answer will not fit into a sentence.
If that is where you are, I want you to know that you are not behind. You are not failing at knowing yourself. You are simply in the part of the story that comes before language.
You do not need the right words to begin. You only need to begin somewhere gentle.
Start with the body
Before you try to name the feeling, notice where it lives. A tight chest, a clenched jaw, shoulders that have forgotten how to drop. You do not have to fix anything. Just notice, and breathe out a little longer than you breathe in.
Let it be a picture instead of a paragraph
Ask yourself what the feeling looks like, or what color it is. It sounds small. It is often enough to loosen the knot.
Say it to one safe person, out loud, badly
The first version does not need to be good. The point is to let it exist outside of you for a moment, where it can be looked at instead of carried.
Give yourself a resting place that is not a task
Ten minutes with tea and no phone. A slow walk. A candle and a quiet room. Rest is not a reward you earn once everything is handled. It is how the words return.
The words tend to arrive once you stop chasing them. And if you would like company while you find them, that is exactly what this space is for.
Head down. Focused. Pushing through lunch. No social calls.
High performer.
Angry Black Woman.
She never chose that last label. The room gave it to her.
In all the conversations I’ve heard about imposter syndrome, I have never once heard anyone talk about what it looks like from the other side. We talk about the voice in her head. We rarely talk about the eyes on her in the room. What does the woman carrying it look like to everyone else?
What the room saw
This came up recently in a conversation with a close friend. For years at work, she had been cast as “the Angry Black Woman.” It wasn’t because of anything she said or did wrong. She showed up every day. She did her job, and she did it well. When others dropped the ball, she picked up the pieces and pushed her team to success.
What no one saw was the load. She was leading a department and juggling competing priorities while caregiving for a loved one at home, all while fighting her own self-doubt. She didn’t bring any of it into the office. She put her head down and worked.
In her words: “I’m just trying to push through and navigate imposter syndrome and deadlines and dealing with family issues at home.”
What they saw was antisocial. Standoffish.
None of the work seemed to matter. The high performer was read as a show-off, someone who did all the work herself instead of developing her people. No one understood that she was driven by the belief that she had to be better than everyone else just to compete in the room.
What I saw
I worked with her earlier in her career, so this was hard for me to take in. She has a natural presence that commands a room. She carries herself in a way that makes it clear she has expectations and high standards. She has a powerful voice, louder than most but never intimidating. She is by the book. She is precise. That’s a perfect match for her world, where regulatory and compliance work sits at the forefront.
I would never have suspected that she felt any differently inside than she looked on the outside. I would never have guessed she was working that hard because some part of her felt she wasn’t enough.
That’s what stays with me. What an outside observer sees can be a complete misread of the root cause.
The internal register and the reflection
Here is what imposter syndrome sounds like on the inside, next to how it lands in the room:
She Thinks:
They See:
I can’t let this slip.
She’s a team of one.
It wasn’t done yet, so I got it done.
She jumped ahead of me, or she thinks I forgot.
This reflects on me.
She’s controlling. She doesn’t develop her people.
I have to dress this way so they know I fit the role.
She thinks she’s better than us. She’s full of herself.
You asked, so I’m walking you through it.
She’s condescending.
Every line on the left is fear. Every line on the right is a judgment. They describe the same moment.
The same presence, a different name
Here is the harder truth. Not every misread starts with imposter syndrome. Sometimes the room would misread her no matter what she felt inside, because the same presence gets a different name depending on who carries it.
On a man, confidence, volume, and high standards read as leadership. On a woman, they read as a problem. Only the label changes.
On a Black woman, the room calls it angry.
On women more broadly, the room calls it being a b!tch. The judgment is just as angry. The word “angry” simply disappears from the label.
I know an executive, a white woman, who is the only woman at her level in a room that works like a boys’ club. The people around her, and the people who report to her, call her a b!tch. In reality she is performing at the same level, with the same presence and the same timbre, as her male counterparts. She has to stand strong in the room so she isn’t seen as weak. Outside the room, she has to hold the standard even harder so no one can say it was all for show.
Two women. Two different labels. The same pattern. The standard that makes a man strong makes a woman difficult. For Black women, race adds another layer on top of that, and the label cuts deeper.
Many of us were raised on some version of the same lesson: you have to be twice as good to get half as far. That lesson fuels the over-functioning, and the over-functioning feeds the misread. For many women, imposter syndrome and bias are not two separate conversations. They are the same weight, carried at the same time.
The engine and the driver
We tend to look at the condition and not the cause. We see the engine and never ask about the driver.
The engine is what’s visible: the pace, the precision, the closed door, the skipped lunch, the voice that carries. The driver is what’s underneath: the fear, the caregiving, the pressure to prove, a sense of worth tied to the quarter’s results.
We should look at both.
If this is you
Your head-down focus is not a character flaw, and neither is your presence. You can also let a few trusted people see some of the load. You don’t owe the room your whole story. But you do deserve at least one space where you don’t have to perform “fine.”
If you’re doing the inner work
Notice where your worth has quietly become an outcome: a deadline met, a metric hit, a flawless deliverable. Enough is not something you earn every quarter. Start separating who you are from what you produce, even one small thread at a time.
If you lead her, or sit beside her
Before you name the behavior, get curious about the driver. Ask how she’s doing, and mean it. Look at whether “doesn’t develop her people” is really true, or whether she’s covering gaps no one else will fill. And ask yourself whether you’d use the same word for the same behavior from a man.
A mirror shows exactly what’s in front of it and nothing behind it. Too many rooms work the same way. The reflection is real. It just isn’t the whole woman.
Well you damn well better! How many times have you heard someone in a leadership role say something like this? They are all about the numbers, the bottom-line, throughput, the outcomes. They do not care about the human toll, the feelings, the Gen-Z mentality that says they did not sign up to be psychologically abused and will be opting out. The leaders that say, “you should develop by trial and fire”. That believe that you should add additional load to make someone a better employee. From what rule of thumb textbook did you all get that from?
Seriously?
A MILLENNIAL would like to know.
In my nearly two-decade soiree with CORPORATE AMERICA, from hands-on boots-on-the-ground brick and mortars all the way up to the spin-in-your chair work from home oasis, never have I ever seen that applying more pressure created greatness. What it creates, my dear reader, is stress. What generally happens to things that are under stress?
Stress causes fractures. Fractures lead to…there…there ya go, I’ll let you find it.
There’s this really sick thing that has developed in leadership that is beyond the pressure cooker piece. It’s the part where you have stopped caring about the people that get the work done. You will pour into processes and procedures but the second that you don’t hit a metric all hell breaks loose. You will flip every procedure on it’s head, push out a rash of revision work, tell 3000+ people that they have to read it, learn it, absorb it in a micro-window of time, and then stammer backward with your hand to your chest, feeling those pangs, not understanding why everyone didn’t fall into place and get the things done. Your perfect plan to correct the obvious root cause had a flaw.
You didn’t consider the people that the change would most effect.
“I really don’t care how they feel…”
Remember that statement at the start of this article?
When we only check on the engine but we don’t check on the driver the entire vehicle will fall apart. You can have the best made car for the for the Formula1 race but if you don’t have that driver, the one that knows how to control it, who has the feel, who has the eye, can make those curves, see around corners…if that guy is not in the driver’s seat or he is but he isn’t feeling well, you updated the user manual one too many times and now he can’t keep account of all of the changes, and you’ve taken out this part that he used to maneuver…again, I’ll let you see where the story heads if YOU continue to not care about how your employees feel.
What I’m talking about is not a round-table talk about feelings on a Monday where we talk about Susie’s childhood, share war stories, and a box of tissues. You don’t have to absorb everyone’s trauma and walk on egg shells singing kumbaya. What you do need to do is key in to the things that will effect your staff if the processes and expectations that you set into place do not involve them, do not concern them, and do not ensure the CARE of them and their well-being.
It’s psychological whiplash at it’s most basic level.
